The One Who Gets to the F***ing Point

Six dates, five coffees, and a beer later-
 Yes, I will still be continuing my online dating adventure.

And although one date went well, 
there is no need to tie myself down just yet. 

One: because I am still young and 
Two: because the majority of the dates I have been on mainly consisted of

awkward gazes into the distance to think of something to say, 

awkward staring/creepily telling me I'm beautiful,

and confessions of being an emotional wreck during movies. 

While some of this may sound charming to you,

I am content with continuing my hunt for a nice, genuine, online guy.

Well ladies and gentlemen, I think I may have once again

found "the one."

His name- QuailMan

Well, his screen name that is.

He sent me a simple message the other day but 

it was his profile that really won me over...

What I look for in a girl- "I want a Times New Roman in the streets but a Wingdings in the sheets."

Once I figure out the exact meaning of this,

he may or may not still want me...

"First thing people usually notice about me is my uncanny ability to 

get to the fucking point."

I mean, a man who knows what he wants is attractive...right?

"I wish I loved anything as much as I hate everything."

Honesty. Love it.

"In closing I would like to note that if I could choose between world peace and a reasonable fortune, my first Lambo would be orange."

At least if the world breaks out in chaos or war, 

he will have a speedy car to get away in.

Smart man. 

While I have yet to respond to his message, 

I think I might keep this one in my back pocket. 

You know, in case the whole world peace I am hoping for does not work out.

The One Who Likes Smart

 It's been about two months of online dating, give or take, 

and I have survived four dates thus far.

They have consisted of beer, coffee, coffee, and coffee.

As well as admitting to getting a little emotional during movies. 

Now, I am all for guys opening up and expressing their emotions 

if they are going through a hard time,

but when it comes to movies, maybe don't admit on the first date

that you cried more in Les Misérables than the girl you went with.

I appreciate the honesty but I also appreciate some mystery in a date.

And while overall it went well and he was a great guy,

 I feel like I still need to keep my options open...

I just got a few new messages in my inbox and

I mean, when I get a message like this, 

how could I not want to meet up with this guy?!

"Hey girl hey. I am a shirtless buff guy who likes glasses and names that start with the letter A (because it's first)."

What a charmer...and shirtless? 

Hell yeah!

Now for his profile-

What he is looking for: "A 6'4 Amazon woman capable of crushing my body whilst in the throes of an erotic experience. Or smart. I like smart."

I mean, I guess I am one of those...

So I have a shot! Right?

The One Who Needs Online Dating Advice

Online dating.

A place where you message strangers to try and find a match.
But is that even possible when you have not met them?
I personally think it depends on the conversations you have.

And all online conversations have one thing in common-
the initial message...

Now, this can either make or break you.
The talent of creating an interesting message 
yet avoiding creepiness is a talent not many possess unfortunately.
Even myself!

I have no idea how the hell to start up an online conversation!
Thankfully, the guys usually step up to the plate and 
attempt the initial connection.
Unfortunately, as hard as they try, it is a no go the majority of the time.

Yes, it is hard to jump in and put yourself out there
but there are some things you may want to avoid 
to increase your chances of a response.

Advice #1: 
Choose an appropriate username

The username is one of the first impressions you give with your online profile.
Due to the lack of true identity, all you have is your username to go off of 
until you feel comfortable enough to reveal your real name. 

Here is a name you may want to avoid using-

Mega_Choad: "hi"

Sadly before I was able to message Mega_Choad back, 
he deleted or disabled his profile

Another name you may want to avoid would be one with profanity in it-

drummerfuck: "Don't be shocked but I'm the god of sarcasm...
Yeah, I know, it's impressive." 

Me:  "Nice user name..."

drummerfuck: "Sorry if you don't like it but I like it. It's kind of like when old men 
call themselves old fucks..."

Again, sadly he deleted or disabled his profile before 
we could get any other conversation going.

Advice #2:

Don't send a long winded message the first time around

Sure, it is great to lay it all out there so the person knows exactly 
what they are getting themselves into, 
but sometimes it is best to have multiple conversations 
instead of just one long one.

FeltToast: *This was 3 paragraphs long, so I will just give you excerpts*

"You have a personality and character that didn't come out of a play-doh 

press machine..."

"Shit, that was suppose to be quick, and there's still so much more I want to say."

"I am sure I'm just a pebble on the beach of your inbox..."

Advice #3:

Try not to talk about appearances during the first message 

While most people are not willing to admit that appearances matter,

I believe that you at least need to be attracted to one another.

Thankfully, attraction comes in all shapes and sizes which is what makes love great!

Now, I am a short person but that does not mean 

I like it to be the initial conversation with a guy... 

sisepod: "Must say that it is better to be vertically challenged than horizontally. You wouldn't have any issues with many of the homes from centuries ago."

ChrisMcC_B: "Vertically challenged people give me the most entertainment. Dwarf tossing and other activities make my days go by with much merriment."

Advice #4:

If all else fails, resort to Leonardo DiCaprio

If the persons profile is not giving you anything to work with but 

you have a desire to message them, why not throw in a little Leo?

Notebook2be: "I don't know really what to write, you made me lost for words lol pretty much if you were on the titanic and I got to save someone, I would choose you on the condition you get to know me :)"

He obviously knew the way to my heart- Leo.

Not sure where this one is going or why I would ever be on the Titanic 

considering I would only be there for Leo but hey, ya never know...

So try to take this advice in, put yourself out there and 

don't always wait for someone else to message you.

If you don't try, nothing is going to happen!

Cheers!

*Names have been slightly changed to protect the individuals online identity*

The One With a Gift Card

Starbucks.

The go to destination for first dates when it comes to online dating.

That way, if you actually do end up together, 
you can just say "We met at a coffee shop!"

It's almost like you're telling the truth without revealing 
the embarrassment that is resorting to online dating.

Although, it doesn't seem as much of an embarrassment these days 
since so many people are trying it out.

But if you talk to my roommates boyfriend, 
he disagrees and still goes with the story that they met at a coffee shop...
a year ago.

Well, I have gone out and survived my first date!
But before we met up in person,
we went through the whole awkward messaging phase to
get to know each other.

He first asked me what I wanted to do when we met up.
I responded with "I am fine with anything."

He responded with-

"So, candle light nachos and red wine it is. That or miniature golf, I love things that are mini, except miniature ponies, they look funny."

If you read this blog, then you know how much I love mini golf, 
so of course I said-

"Mini golf is one of my favs but I'm kind of competitive....
and mini ponies are great! So cute."

Date: "Well it's a good thing you're competitive because I was in line to go pro until i had a terrible mini golfing accident that ruined my chances at the mini golf world championships. I still play for fun though."

Either way, we did not go mini golfing...sad day
But we did hit up the ever so popular Starbucks and grabbed a coffee.
Being the gentleman that he was, he paid for me...kinda?

"I've got a Starbucks gift card with your name on it!"

Now, does that really count as him paying?
I mean, it does the same thing as money,
just restricted to one place...
And he was spending on me, so I'll take it as counting!

We grabbed our coffee and sat down to talk
and of course he just had to tell a joke about cats.

Date: "You know why there are all of these cat videos online?"
"Why?"

"Cause people with dogs actually get outside!"

More of a fact than a joke...
but I guess it was cute.

And I guess he found me cute too! Kind of...

Date: "You're kinda cute, I am sure a bunch of creepers message you."

I should have said, "Yeah! You were the worst!"

But instead, I laughed and he changed the subject to tattoos.

He asked if I had any and I said yes and for him to guess.

He actually guessed correctly and his reasoning for it was-

Date: "I have x-ray vision."

"That's creepy..."

Date: "What would you do if it was true?"

"I guess I would not really have control over it..."

So, he may or may not have x-ray vision.
Still didn't put that one to rest 
but overall it was a nice time with only a few awkward moments.

As we left, he yelled across the parking lot-

"I'm going to call you."

And being the little beezy that I am, I yelled-

"We will see if I answer!"
No wonder I'm single.

But he said he would call and he did!
A man of his word which I think we can all respect and appreciate.
And then the call led to texting...and harassment? 

Date: "I'll make sure to harass you until you let me take you out on a real date ;)"

"Oh goodness. Can't wait for the harassment!"

"Oh you'll love it. Just wait for the phone calls at 3am with nothing but heavy breathing on the other end..."

"Oh no"

"And that's probably enough facetious humor for tonight."

Ya think?!
He was doing so well and then he had to go all Scary Movie on me.
But hey, who knows?
I'm sure he has a gift card to some awesome restaurant with my name on it!

The One Who Turned 23

I did it!

I survived the transition from 22 to 23 with some people still liking me...

but really- no one likes you when you're 23...

I know, how could someone so young have so many Relation-Shits?!

Well, let me tell ya something, 

they flock to me for some weird reason

and sadly there is not much I can do about it

except embrace it and learn from them all...

One would think that on my birthday I would be able to avoid bad luck, 

ridiculous stories or trouble.

Well, you obviously do not know me very well because

I actually went through a "Bad Luck Birthday" phase.

 I prefer to say bad luck but I am sure some may say  

"Fool, that's all on you!"

Either way,

It all started on my 18th birthday.

Bad Luck #1-

Being the procrastinator that I am, 

I waited until I was 18 to get my drivers license.

I passed with flying colors and became eager to show off 

my accomplishment in my jacked-up '88 Saab.

(Which of course I named Wasaabi) 

I drove over to a friends house to

admire my "new" ride

and then I headed on home.

Now, as a new driver in a crappy car, 

you assume every weird noise/movement is normal.

Wrong.

My car started shaking, the steering wheel was going out of control, 

and there was a weird noise coming from the outside of the car. 

I pulled over, got out and saw that I blew one of my tires...

R.I.P Wasaabi

Bad Luck #2-

It was the day before I turned 19 and I was on winter break 

from the first semester of college.

I was forced to pick my brother up from high school

because, like his big sister, he too waited until he was 18 to get his drivers license.

Thus, I was his chauffeur during my break. 

I got to his school early and drove in through a side entrance.

As I was driving through the parking lot to find a spot,

I saw a motorcycle cop behind me with his lights on...

Turned out that entrance that I went through had a  

DO NOT ENTER sign during specific times.

Times in which I went through it. 

I obviously tried to get out of it but no birthday luck.

I had to take driving school for that puppy and I never let my brother forget it.

If I didn't have to pick his ass up from school, 

it would have never happened...

Bad Luck #3-  

The day before I turned 20 and once again I am enjoying my home town.

Out driving around, I come to a red light.

Now, you know when you're at a red light and the green arrow lights up?

So you think for a split second that all the lights are green

and you scoot your car a tad?

Welp, that was what I did and unfortunatly for me

there was a car in front of me.

That's right.

I rear ended a car.

My car made it out with zero damages but their car had a small dent...

Happy Birthday to me- FML.

The Next Year-

   For my 21st birthday I went to Italy to visit a friend.

I figured I would get run over by a Vespa 

or The Leaning Tower of Pisa would fall on me

but surprisingly, once I was out of the US, no bad luck followed!

Bad Luck #4-

Back in the US for my 22nd birthday, 

I thought my birthday bad luck was over.

Wrong.

   

Five friends and I went to San Francisco to go clubbing for my birthday.

We were in a hotel room, so obviously before going out 

we pre-gamed!

Unfortunately, someone pre-gamed a little too hard...

We walk up to the entrance of the club and 

the bouncer would not let one of the ladies in because she seemed "too drunk."

Mind you, we are watching drunk ass bitches going in and out of the club all night.

But no matter what we said, he would not let her in.

So we decide to take turns hanging out with her 

outside while she sobered up enough to go in and the rest of us checked out the club. 

Bad idea.

Too far gone and feeling abandoned, 

she tried to reason with the bouncer to the point 

where he knew her by name and knew all of us...

Long story short-

Tears were shed, yelling occurred and no matter how hard I tried,

my sparkly heels would not obey the 3-click rule and take me home.

A night of drama and chaos that assured me my birthday bad luck was back!

This Year-

 With those four birthdays behind me now, 

I have entered year 23.

Which is almost mid-twenties.

Which is almost thirty.

Which means I need to get my shit together! 

(Big ass bola bitch!)

But I think 2013 might just be the year of hope for me.

January 10th came and went and no bad luck!

*knock on wood*

My roommate, her boyfriend, and a friend went out,

enjoyed ourselves,

drank a little too much (for some)

and managed to wake up the next day and go to work.

(The only reason we went there...)

Success. Finally.

So Cheers to 23 and 2013!

(I'm too old for this shit!)

The One With a Warning

Having a public blog should come with some warnings- 

like having to prepare yourself for the backlash, 

ridicule and judgements from readers.

BUT

You also have to deal with the "wonderful" advice 
family members give you on your life  
since they will all stalk you 
because you know you never fill them in on anything.

While at work, I received a text message from my cousin Leo 

(Yes, the one who said "I love you" to his girlfriend for the first time during Conan)

And he wanted to make sure I knew what I was getting into 

with this whole online dating thing...

Leo: "Everything on the internet is built on a foundation of lies. Best of luck."

Me: "Thank you for the positive words of encouragement and support..."

It makes sense now why, at 30, he still does not have a Facebook.

He does not want to be a part of the lying game!

Or the stalking I'm sure his crazy ex girlfriend would do.

Either way-

Wise words from a wise man.

I mean, he was on the show Wipeout, 

where he made it to the final round but all he got was a black eye...
So close to winning though.

A lot to learn from the man.

So watch out online dating world!

Because I know that 

"No man has a good enough memory to make a successful liar."

- Abraham Lincoln

(Another wise man...)

But these words of wisdom did not just appear once they found out I had entered the dangerous online dating world.
No.
My family was giving me advice long before that 
while I was going through my 'meeting guys at bars' phase... 

This came in the mail from my Aunt 
after I moved into a new place near some bars-

"Something to think about on your way to the bars!"

And here is the front of the postcard-

My family knows me too well...

The One Who Tried to Hire Me

With the way my dating life has been going,

it is obvious that there is zero hope for me...
at least right now.

So there is only one thing you can do when you reach this point in your life...

online dating.

I'm young.

I'm still trying to put my life together.

I have nothing to loose by going on some random dates.

Another reason I decided to jump into this whole online dating thing is 
because a few of my friends had tried it and got something out of it...
besides free meals.

For some, they went on dates, put themselves out there 
and met interesting people. 

But for the others, they were forced to watch 

Craigslist Killer with a guy they had just met online...

Don't worry, she's still alive, 
but she did delete her account after that. 

Obviously, with the great experiences my friends had before me,
I just had to try it.

Worst that could happen: I meet the online dating killer
BUT 
Best that could happen: I meet a great guy
OR
a good blog post comes out of it.

Either way the wins out weigh the losses, 
so I think it's a pretty safe bet to try it out.

So I picked my screen name, 
filled out cheesy "About Me" questions and 
started the man hunt!

One of the first guys that reached out to me actually offered me a job!

I knew you had the potential to find men on dating sites, 
but furthering my career and building my resume?
Now that's an added bonus I didn't see coming!

So this is how it all went down...

(Pun intended, you'll understand in a little bit)

Man online: "How do you feel about adult entertainment?"

"What does that even mean..."

"As in, would you ever try acting?"

"Ummm...no."

But of course curiosity got to me...
and my roommate encouraged me to question him more.

"So what kind of acting are we talking about?"

"Adult acting"

"How much do people get paid for this?"

"You could make around $1,000"

Interesting, but so vague! 

Is that $1,000 for one film?

$1,000 for one day?

$1,000 per scene?

The world needs to know!!

BUTTTT

Me: "I think I will have to pass for now."

Man Online: "So what do you do? Your mysterious act is working."

Guys...all women are a mystery to you! 

If we weren't, then you would understand us and 
there would not be relation-shits.

Obviously not wanting to reveal my true work identity, 

I said I was a personal assistant in the health field.

So I asked him the same question-

Man Online: "I am a publicist at a PR agency and as far as entertainment, 

I am an associate producer and performer."

That's right ladies and gentlemen-

by day he is helping people fix their reputations 

and by night he is building his own reputation...on screen.

Me: "No one at work has seen your videos?!"

"No and we are actually looking for an assistant if you would like to send me your resume. I'm reaching out to offer you a career lead because I find you fascinating. 

I would appreciate it if you kept my other occupation to yourself :)"

"How much does THAT job pay..."

"Entry level, so what's your Linkedin?"

And that is where I chose to end it- 
for two reasons.

First, because working with someone who solicited sex to me 
on an online dating site would just be awkward...
and

Second, because I don't even have a Linkedin...

It's only the beginning of my online dating adventures and 
since the local bars are obviously not providing me with many options,

let's see where this gets me!

Cheers to 2013!