The One Who Left Me On The Curb

Once again, I have encountered another relation-shit.

How they keep finding me, I have no idea. 

But hey, at least it makes for good stories. 

Am I right?

It all started while I was visiting a friend in Northern California. 

I met (what I thought) was the "perfect guy." 

An anti-relation-shit. 

Someone who would break the trend that I am so good at following.

We hit it off right away. 

Once we realized our mutual love and obsession for Eminem
(the rapper, not the candy),

we knew we would get along just fine.

Plus he was not too bad looking and had the same sarcastic humor as me
that most guys I hang out with just can't keep up with.

So while my friend was at work, this boy was nice enough to hang out with me. 

We went to the local dairy farm and got some ice cream. 

So far so good with this one,
but then he gets a call from his ex...

He just told me they broke up a few months ago and 

that she has things he wanted back. 

Well this was the call in which they needed to discuss this issue. 

Right at that moment. 

While I was with him.

He took the call with an awkward, 

'I really need to take this call, but I feel bad leaving you, 
but I kind of have no choice' look on his face. 

Since I am so easy going, 

I said "It's all good, I'll just chill here."

So he walked across the street to have the, "give me my shit back" talk. 

While I sat on the curb. 

Eating my ice cream.

Alone.

For 20 minutes.

For whatever reason, I continued to hang out with this boy up until just recently. 

Apparently being ditched on a curb, alone, will not raise a red flag to me anymore.

I guess I must be getting use to this whole relation-shit thing,

so much so that I don't even realize I am in one until it's too late.

Should have seen that puppy comin'...

The One Without Boundaries

Fortunately, or unfortunately for my blog, I have not had any horrible dates recently. 

Well let's be honest, I have had NO dates recently, 

so not too much to blog about with my personal love life.

I do however live with two boys, which makes for some good reltaion-shit situations.

This particular one involves my 19 year old brother

who has not learned the meaning of personal space or boundaries. 

So I guess with this situation it is a sibling-shit, and when I say shit, I mean literally...

This all took place a few weeks ago. 

I was brushing my teeth in our shared bathroom and my brother walks in,
 

Pulls down his pants,

And sits on the toilet.

Tooth brush still in mouth I yell, 

 "Are you taking a shit while I am in here brushing my teeth?!?!"

"Yes, now can you please get out so I can have some privacy?"

"What the hell?!?! That's disgusting! I'm brushing my teeth!"

"Well you should have thought about doing that after I was done..."

Trying to run out of the death trap as fast as I could, 

I ran to my room to tell my friend what just happened to me.

Her response, "Man I'm glad I don't have to live here..."

This is my life. 

A brother I have to live with who does not 

give a shit about my personal bubble.

Only a few more weeks until I leave for school and it could not come fast enough.

The One You Cannot Let Go Of

Let's think about the people in our lives for a second here.

I am sure there is someone in your life whom you always think about. 

That one person that affected your life in such away that you 

will never be able to forget them. 

No matter how hard you try. 

Unfortunately for me, that person lives in my home town 

and proves to be very hard to break away from, 

which causes somewhat of a relation-shit. 

So how do you push someone away when they keep pushing back? 

And might I add that they are significantly stronger than you. 

Like twice your size and weight.

So how do you let go of someone when they pull a Rose on you and "never let go"? 

That is a pickle I seem to find myself in quite often throughout my life and 

I can never seem let go of my one person. 

Maybe it's because a new someone has yet to come into my life and take their place. 

OR maybe I have separation anxiety. 

OR maybe it is because I hate change. 

Seriously, my room has looked the same since I was 10 and I am a 21 years old now. 

I really need to update my life, in more than one area obviously. 

So it's time to update! Easier said than done I have decided...

Time for some input here - 

Anyone else find themselves in pickles like this or is it just me? 

Come on, I know you are out there people!!

The One Who Taught Me About Myself

The main reason I chose this blog theme was because
I had just gotten out of a three year relationship.

Not by choice unfortunately. 

So I viewed all relationships as shitty ones because I was in such a downer state of mind. 

All I wanted to do was expose those relation-shits 

and show people that dating aint that grand! 

But what I learned while a "blogger" 

is that you are going to go through tons of relation-shits, 

but you have to go through some shitty experiences
to get a meaningful relationship in the end. 

Going on crappy dates, sitting through awkward conversations, 

and drunken mistakes will make you appreciate the positive relationship
you finally reach and appreciate the person that much more. 

That is, once you find them...

Although I was trying to get over a relationship,
getting myself out there and going out on dates,
which unfortunately turned out to be relation-shits, 

taught me a lot about myself and my alcohol tolerance. 

I now know that I cannot go to a beer festival, bar hop, go on a successful date and 
control my actions all in one night. 

I need to keep them on separate occasions.

I have also learned that its ok to be my crazy, sarcastic, silly, awkward self. 

While I am still going through relation-shits to find that one good relationship, 

I am enjoying those relation-shit mishaps a little more each time

because I know by the end of the date, 

I can blog about it and entertain others while having a good time poking fun at myself. 

I mean how many people can say they influenced the creation of a party catch phrase?!?

"Let's party like it's a first date!"

My life...Out of control.

The One Who Wanted To Be Blogged

The other night I ventured out to the Cotati bars finally!
Only took me 3 months...

But don't worry, I was not on a blind date nor was I drinking!

Learned my lesson there which you can read about in *this blog.*

So while in one of the bars, a member of my class approached me, slightly very wasted

and told me he wanted to be in my blog.

"Can I take you out on a date and then you can write about it in your blog?!"

Me: "What?"

"Your blog is one of the blog's I actually read each week!"

Me: "Thank you but why would you want to go on a date and 

hope it's a good Relation-Shit story?"

"I'll take you out to Chili's and buy you a margarita!"

When someone asks you out on a date so they can be put in a Relation-Shit blog, 

you can only imagine what kind of date it will be...

I was not sure how to process this one. 

While feeling a little insulted that I was being used just so he may 

gain extreme popularity through one of my blog entries, 

I was also excited that someone is actually reading my blog!

Plus who would want to pass up a Chili's dinner and a margarita which apparently 

is the perfect match for a Relation-Shit date. 

So, is it sad that all I need is food and booze to ruin a date 

OR

charming that he already had it planned? 

Not sure which one it is yet, but since I have sworn off alcohol AND dates,

I said I would stick to blogging other people's relation-shits for now. 

But this story was just too funny NOT to blog about.

Plus, he did say he wanted to be in a blog entry. 

So here ya go! You made it in! 

Maybe not what you thought would be the reason, but let's not get picky here! :)

The One Who Games

Mini Relation-Shit

Tonight everyone and their mom are out doing something random,
which left me at home to fend for myself.

Well of course I did not want to sit at home alone and do nothing!

So, I texted a good friend of mine to see if he wanted to chill and watch a movie. 

This was his response-

"I'm suppose to scrimmage with my clan sometime tonight."

I think I need to make more friends who don't game...

Friend-Shit much? 

The One Who Ruined The First Date

Ever gotten shit-faced on a first date?

No? Well that makes one of us then...

Who does that?! 

I mean really, why would someone become a drunk ass bitch
in front of a potential second date? 

Well unfortunately I am not as smart as I look 

(it's the glasses, I know, they are deceiving) 

and I had a little too much "fun" on a recent date my good friend Jacob set up for me.

And this is how the story goes- Jacob and his wife had the great idea 

of setting me up with one of their friends, because my love life
basically consists of relation-shits.

First advice when going a first date- don't go to a beer festival followed by three bars. 

Drinking too much on the first date may cause you to do things you regret the next day. 

Just saying.

Needless to say, we went to a beer festival. 

And when I say we, I mean the guy and Jacob. 

Yes, last minute his wife was not able to make it to our double date. 

You would think "poor Jacob," but don't you worry, bro's before ho's. 

After going through about 15 different types of beer and 
trying to get in between him and Jacob enough to fit in awkward 
"first date" conversation, we decided to do what else? 

Drink more!

We ended up in Santa Rosa for our first bar, in which we met 
up with some of my dates friends. 

Ignored by my date while he conversed among his friends, 

I began to bond with people around us and that is where the trouble started. 

When you bond with people at a bar,
they tend to want to buy double shots to celebrate your new found friendship. 

I became a victim of this ritual.

After some drinks, myself, Jacob and my date moved onto the next bar
where it really all went down hill. 

Unfortunately I am not able to tell you most of what happened 
due to my dignity wanting to stay in tact

but I am sure I would want to forget i anyways so why make it permanent in a blog?

Thankfully my good old friend Jacob was there to help a buddy out
while my date vanished 

never to be seen (or heard) from again...
Yes, I was under the influence AND dateless. 

Relation-Shit!

So after being asked to leave the bar by the bouncer,
yes, I was kicked out,

I was then helped six blocks to the car and driven home where 
some how I climbed three flights of stairs to my apartment. 

This is where my *key* became a victim itself. 

Not sure how that went down, but may it rest in peace. 

The bright side of it all is that I made it home!

The downsides however over shadows the ups unfortunately. 

I mysteriously contracted the stomach flu that night and the entire next day,
along with having over a week pass since that night and 
hearing no feedback from my date. 

Relation-shits happen but it is these shitty moments that 
you truly appreciate you friends, in my case Jacob, 
who will put up with drunk ass bitches and 

make sure they do not do anything to ruin their reputation or dignity. 

So while I may have ruined a first date, 
I did gain a better friendship in the end.

P.S. If you are ever in a bar in Santa Rosa and you see a black scarf 
with little tassels at the end of each side, 
bring it back to me would ya? 
It's my favorite. 
Thanks. 

**A few weeks after this blog, my friend decided to coin the term-
"Let's party like it's a first date!"
Now he says this every time we go to a party...My life.**

The One Who Made Out With My Forehead

 Yes, the title explains it all.
My friend made out with my forehead while we were taking a picture.

No, I did not see it coming nor was it something I wanted.

Yes, alcohol was involved on his part.

And no, that was not the only ridiculous thing he did that night.

Let me tell you a little about my friend. 

He is far from a ladies man but somehow he manages to get 

with a new girl at every party we go to. 

Strange, I know. Boggles my mind every time.

Unfortunately for me, there were no single girls at my roommates recent 21st Birthday Bash. 

That left me as his target...

Ridiculous Moment #1:

Friend: "Ali, I am going to talk to you about random things to distract you from when I do this-"

Tongue sticking out, he lunged in to kiss me.

Thankfully, like a ninja, I dodged that shiz.
I made my way over to two friends 

and began talking with them about the recent attack set out on me.

Even More Ridiculous Moment #2:

I am with two friends talking while lunging boy is off on the other side of the room 

with two people we all just met. Then I hear my name shouted from across the room-

Friend: "ALI! DO YOU HAVE HERPES??"

Me: "No, *Insert Name Here*!"

Friend turns to the two guys, pats them on the back and says-

"You guys are good to go."

Final Ridiculous Moment #3:

 Although he was a drunk ass bitch and lunging all night, I did want to make 

a nice memory with my friend of 3 years.

I figured a picture was the best way to do so. 

I went up to him, hugged him and posed.
That is when the spit started flowing. 

I felt him ferociously attacking my forehead in a manor that should never occur even on lips. 

As I tried to pull away the flash goes off and I know the memory that was made will 

not be one I want to remember for the rest of my life...

As I prepare to share this moment, please disregard my ugly ass face. 

I was caught off guard/freaked out people! 

But it's too funny not to * share *

So that is my friend-shit. 

Now I know to provide him with a single female for the next party...

Now what can you all learn from this is one?
Start training yourself to dodge like a ninja, because you never know when it will come in handy 
and lesson two, help your friend monitor their alcohol intake. 

Than maybe they wont start making out with peoples foreheads.
Unless you like that...then more power to ya!

The One In A Horror Movie

Most people can enjoy a good horror movie,

but can you enjoy one when you're dating the killer?

Let's throw this back to 1978, the year horror flick Halloween hit the big screen.

That year my mom was working at Warner Brothers studios where she met an actor. 

They went out on a date, talked about the glamorous life of Hollywood 

and he brought up a new movie he was going to be in. 

He told her he was a main character in Halloween and 
that she HAD to go see him in action. 

He got her and her friend tickets to see the premiere and 
so they went so see what this guy had to offer to the acting community. 

They sat through the whole movie and neither of them could spot him. 

A few days after the premiere, my mom met up with him again for another date. 

She brought up the movie and asked where he was in it. 

He then reveals that he was the man behind the mask.

Yes, my mom dated the serial killer from Halloween. 

The one that tried and FAILED to kill Jamie Lee Curtis for the past 5 Halloween remakes. Maybe if he succeeded it might have saved her from making Freaky Friday with 

Lindsey Lohan 25 years later...Just sayin'

So after hearing he was the masked killer, my mom could not get it out of 

her head and that is when the relationship sadly ended. 

Too bad, I could have had Tony Moran as my father. 

And yes that would be Erin Moran's brother. 

The girl from Happy Days and Jonie Loves Chachi. 

No? Still don't know who she is? 

Its ok, her career ended a while ago and won't be making a come back anytime soon.

So this may not have been a real Relation-Shit story but 
I did learn a valuable lesson from this. 
If you're going out with someone, find out more about their life before 

you go see them in a movie and find out they are a psycho killer.

Just Some Fun Facts From Halloween: 

Tony Moran was paid $250 for his role as the masked killer

Halloween was shot in 21 days with a budget of $320,000 

which is nothing compared to the millions movie makers get today

Due to its shoestring budget, the prop department had to use the cheapest mask that they could find in the costume store; a Star Trek William Shatner mask. They later spray-painted the face white, teased out the hair, and reshaped the eye holes. 

 Halloween went on to make $47 million in the box office which made 

it the most successful independent film of all time

(Thank you imbd.com!)

The One Who Gave Her Mono

My roommate has not had the best luck with boys in the past. 

From boys with braces who drunkingly made out with her and recalling the event 

 the next day when her mouth was all cut up 
to blind dates with boys who wont say a word for the entire 12 hours 
they were forced to hang out.

Last year, we thought she had finally broken her horrible string of boys...

And then she got mono.

Let's take this back a few months-

They fell in like at first sight while cleaning the local pools, 

thus my roommate and her man soon became in item. 

He came around ALL the time and it seemed to be working out for them 

despite the fact that he lived two hours away. 

One day, we find out he has mono. 

Yes, the kissing disease!! 

SIDE NOTE: This is why you play beer pong with water so you don't all drink 
out of the same cups...have your own drink on the side :)

Continuing on; he gets mono and we all freak out. 

Fast forward a few weeks and my roommate is taken ill with what better than mono!

So she ends up going home for 2 months to get over the sickness,

missed so much school she has to drop classes and 

because of it all she is a semester behind. 

And what does her boyfriend who gave her the freakin' disease do?!?!?

Dumps her ass!

Apparently, having mono makes you "boring and a chore to be around."

Yes, those are the exact words he told my roommate 
as she was laying on her death bed that HE made for her. 

No surprise here, they have yet to talk (a year later) 

The moral of this story is- choose your boyfriends/girlfriends wisely! 

You cannot expect to date someone in college 
who has not hooked up in someway with another person. 
But, you should be cautious of the virus' people are carrying these days.

Think before you drink that cup you see sitting on the counter at a random party!

Don't make out with a boy/girl who has a suspicious looking cluster of bumps on their lip.

And lastly, try to find someone who you know will take care of you at your worst. 

There is nothing sweeter than having a boyfriend/girlfriend who loves you and 

takes care of you even when you look like shit.

The One Who Was In a Relationship

My brother is a simple guy.

No silly sayings on his shirts. 

Plain blue jeans everyday.
He would rather be watching an old black and white movie 

than going to a rager with his buddies.

Being the introvert that he is, there is not much time for interaction with the ladies. 

At 19 years old, he has yet to go out on a date...

Until NOW!

 Unfortunately, it did not turn out quite the way he had hoped
and this is how he explained it to me-

Brother: "So I met this girl in my video class and I asked her to dinner. 

We get to the restaurant, order our food and started talking about movies,
school and all the other date-like topics you would expect.
Then she hits me with the ultimate date mood killer."

Girl (In valley girl voice): "So I probably should have said something earlier and I don't know if you know, 

but I am in a relationship with someone."  

B: "I could not believe she was dating someone and went on what I though was a date with me! Then I was thinking, why would she tell me this now?
Why not wait until after I have paid for the damn meal!

So once the check came, I was like SPLITSIES!"

Now there is a lesson in this for both genders and it is unfortunate for my brother to have to go through this "date" to find it out.
But fortunate for me so I can blog about it!

A bitter-sweet story I would say.

 This goes for both males and females- don't lead anyone on!
If you're into them, take the risk and go for it.
If not, lay it down for them straight.

Don't go for that free meal that we all love.
You will sleep better at night, maybe not with a full stomach, but you will know 

that you did not hurt anyone along the way. 

The One Who Kidnapped Me

At my college, we have the ever so wonderful ratio of 

70% female and 30% male students. 

Being the straight female that I am, 
it leaves little wiggle room in the dating pool I have presented to me. 

Added to that minimal wiggle room is that fact that 

about half of the 30% are not attracted to my gender, 

a quarter are in a relationship and 

most of the other quarter already have a hook up buddy or are basically just undatable.

Luck was on my side last year when I found myself a man, I mean boy...

I admired him from afar in my Philosophy class and 

thanks to my charming personality, he was doing the same. 

We all know what the next step is in a relationship after you determine there is a spark.
 You make the friendship Facebook official!

This all basically leads up to our date. 

Our ONLY date. 

 Looking especially sharp in a blazer and jeans, 
he fetched me from my dorm and 

whisked me away to a lovely Italian dinner.

 We did the whole casual talk but I soon started to realize

that this was going nowhere and his awkwardness became all I could focus on. 

He paid for the meal, pulled out my chair and while walking 

to the car he offered his jacket. 

I know! 

Such a nice catch and yet I was ready to throw him back into the dating pond. 

As we drove off, he asked if I would like to go to his place to watch a movie. 

I pointed out that it was getting late and that I had some obligations in the morning. 

I figured that was a big enough hint towards 

'PLEASE take me home' 

but he took it a little differently than I had hoped. 

As we approached the school, I waited for him to turn into my dorm parking lot. 

Problem is, he passed it five parking lots ago!

 He was shortcuttin' it to his house.

I sat in the car silently trying to think of the best way 
to get out of this whole kidnapping thing.

Jump out of the car? No.
Too risky for my own well being.

Pretend I have an emergency phone call? No.
He will probably ask to come with me to make sure everything is alright.

Start to choke and be taken to the hospital? No.
He would stay over night to make sure I survived.

Unfortunately my brain could not process the information fast enough 

and I soon ended up in a random apartment complex

 where he insisted we watch a movie in his room. 

Alone.

On his bed.

With the lights off. 

If that is not considered kidnapping and holding hostage, I don't know what is.

He laid on his bed while I stuck to sitting in the corner farthest away from him 
while we watched a classic guy humor movie that showed way too many boobs 
then I was comfortable seeing with him on the first date. 

When the movie was over, 
he asked to watch another one, but once again,
I pulled out the whole "I have things to do tomorrow."

He finally got it this time and took me home. 

Besides the whole being held up in his room for three hours 
while feeling too uncomfortable to even use the bathroom, 
it was an interesting night to look back on.  

If/When this happens to you, make sure your roommates have your back!

My lack of support got me kidnapped and I will never let them forget that!

That way, if hours go by and there is no word from you, 

they can call you and that can be your get away!

That can lead to the difference between a hostage situation and 

being in the safe comfort of your own home!