Friday, December 14, 2012

The One With Those Three Little Words

I love you.

No, seriously. 
I love you.
If you are reading this, 
I love you.

Chances are, we are-
                                                        a. Friends
                                                        b. Ex's
                                                        c. Acquaintances
                                                              OR
                                                        d. I have never met you... 

Either way, there is a good chance that I loved you at one point.
Or maybe just kind of liked you.
Or there could be a good possibility that we hate each other.
I don't know, but thank you for reading my blog.

Now, why am I saying this to you?
Because, it seems that those three little words are very difficult to communicate.
At least for my friend and her boyfriend of a year.

So, when are you suppose to say it?
I love you.
Is there even a real time line or a 'use by this date' slapped on it?

Being that I have had my fair share of relationships/shits in the past, 
I have many different experiences with this topic.

Experience #1
The first boy to say it to me...
The Year? 2004
The Grade? 8th
The Location? Over the phone

"Ali, I love you."
 "Hahaha thank you? I have to go, bye."

Obviously, I was a very mature 14 year old,
but come on!
It had only been two weeks?! 
And at 14?!

Unfortunately I was not in love at that time-
Thus why I broke it off 2 weeks later.
Why did it take me so long you may ask?
It was during winter break, 
so we only saw each other one week out of our relationship.
Good times.

Experience #2
I cried and then he said it...
The Year? 2008
The Grade? 12th
The Location? His car

We had been dating for about 5 months and I knew that I loved this kid,
but he said he was not sure how he felt.
 Of course I started to cry to my friend about it...

Then about a month later, my boyfriend and I had a serious talk
and for some reason 
(that I cannot recall now)
we sat in his car because cars are just serious like that.

We both began to cry and that is when he told me he loved me.
Cute? Sure!
I just hope my crying is not what convinced him.
I guess we will never know...

Experience #3 
This unfortunately is not my experience, 
but my cousin Leo's story is just too good not to share.

The Year? 2010
The Date? Oct. 31st
The Location? Colorado for his sisters wedding

Yes, one of my cousins had her wedding on Halloween...
And yes the groom was dressed up as a zombie.
True love right there.

Anyways, 
my cousin Leo and his girlfriend had been dating for 8 months.
Quick flashback to their first date- 
he came hung over and left her to sit alone in the restaurant 
while he puked in the bathroom. 

Obviously, they hit it off right away.
He knew his feelings for her were growing and 
figured it was finally time to let her know.

As they were sitting on the couch watching Conan O'Brian, 
he turned to her and said
"I love you."

Nothing says I love you more than Halloween, your sisters wedding and Conan.
They are still together today and going strong.
Shocker, I know.

So, should it matter how long you have been dating before you say those three words?
Is it possible to be too early or too late with them?
Who should say it first- the guy or the girl?
Will Conan's show really last that much longer?


So many questions that plague us on a daily basis. 
And it seems as if we will never know the right answers.
For my friend and her boyfriend of a year,
she is fine not saying it just yet.

She knows they are good for one another
and that should be enough for any relationship.

Now, if they don't want to make it FBO?
Relationship Status Changed To- SINGLE!

Wednesday, December 5, 2012

The One With the Hashtag Problem.

Remember this guy?
The one who thought I was sick? 

Well surprise, surprise! He actually contacted me again! 

4 days later...

The texts started off with 'getting to know you' questions, 
but then things got interesting.
This is the charming conversation I was lucky enough to have with my bar boy:

Bar Boy: "I'm a Sonoma State legend"

"How so"

"Beats me.Some people have greatness thrust upon them..."

"Lucky you."

"I mean, I am really fucking cool. But it's not all I talk about"

Such a cool guy.
Can't wait to get to know him more!
And so the conversation continues...

Bar Boy: "I don't believe in humor. Life is too short to make jokes"

"Life is too ridiculous not to!"

He continued with how he creepily knows everything about me, 
but then the subject of TVs came up...

Bar Boy: "I don't really enjoy TV...except I have two dope TVs in my room #richkidproblems."

Did he seriously just hashtag in a text?!

Bar Boy Continues: "But I have realized that money is not everything. 
I know I'm going to be rich so I've worked hard on other aspects of my life."

"Such as?"

"Relationships, being healthy...heavy drinking"

"I don't really understand why you are saying this to me..."

"On that note, I am done texting you lol."

"Nice getting to know the real you."

"<3"

I mean, at least he loves me?
Fast forward a week and this is what he texts me-

"Whatcha doing. It's Tuesday, time to get drunk!"

Yeah, I was already asleep when he sent this one to me, 
#fulltimejobproblems

So the next day I responded with-
"Sorry, was already blacked out. It was a Tuesday after all."

"Fair enough. I was pretty drunk myself."

It has been about a week now and I have not heard from my bar boy.
But it is almost the weekend...
which means there may be a chance of some entertaining texts coming my way.

Fingers crossed.
I just know this one is a keeper.

Monday, November 26, 2012

The One Who Was Just Not That Into You

Everyone has one of those stories-
When they met someone and convinced themselves it was meant to be,
but the fact was...
they were just not that into you




I found myself watching this movie the other night. 
Alone in my house. 
BUT my friend was watching it at the same time at her house.
So, it was like we were watching it together...

Anyways, it made me think back to the men I have dated this past year. 
All the relation-shits. 
All the first and only dates. 
All the awkward conversations.
And all the lessons learned. 

In the short span of one year,
I have met some of the most influential people in my dating life. 

From Eminem lovers who taught me not to jump in too fast...
To the Thursday night bar boy who taught me not to meet guys at the bars...
To an old friend who taught me that sometimes it is best just to stay friends...

I've learned a lot this past year about who I am,
what I want in life
and the men I should avoid.

But nothing can snap you out of the dating daze better then watching
He's Just Not That Into You.
And it all makes you realize that most of your relationship problems stem 
from the horrible advice your parents gave you when you were younger!

Who else heard the whole-
"He is being mean to you and picking on you because he actually likes you."

I remember my mother saying that to me in elementary school 
when a boy was picking on me.

Did anything ever happen with me and that boy?
No.
And I went to school with him all throughout high school...

So thank you mother, 
for getting my hopes up and making me think mean boys were
just covering up intense feelings for me.
Turns out they were just being immature young jerks.
So...when do they grow out of that?

The reason I bring this up is because too often
we find ourselves angry at the flames of our past.
We are pissed that things did not work out and 
we refuse to speak of/to those people again.

I have friends that will literally hide from ex's when they see them at the bars 
because they hate them that much.
But for me, that is not how I want to spend my young adult life-
Constantly avoiding the places I might see someone I used to know
or being afraid of going out anywhere because I might run into them.

 I have been hurt by guys
but in the end, shit happens.
Life is so much easier when you learn to accept an apology you never got.

Before the break-ups occurred, you were friends with those people.
They were someone you trusted with almost anything.
Once the angry bashing to your friends is over, 
making amends is healthy.

To this day, 
I am civil enough with my ex's to the point where we can 
have a conversation and not want to kill each other. 

Some may think it is weird, dysfunctional and odd that I remain in contact 
with some of the flames from my past,
but I see it as accepting what happened, 
getting over the hurt 
and going back to finding the friendship that was there before the heartache.

At the end of the day,
do you want to live your life for yourself
or constantly think about how your relation-shits are holding you back?

Monday, November 19, 2012

The One Who Cheated

I have had a few cheaters in my life 
but none were as bad as the one who cheated in a game of mini-golf...

Something you should know about me- 
I play to win.

Yeah, I enjoy having genuine fun and hanging out with friends/family
BUT COME ON!
If there is not a declared winner, what is the point of a competitive game?
Am I right?
The answer is yes.

It all started when I went to visit my Relation-Shit one evening. 
We decided to go out mini-golfing for our date night.
Romantic, I know. 
But seriously, I love mini-golf. 
 Easy way to my heart.

He and I are VERY competitive, 
to the point where it's not fun for anyone else 
because we are just too determined to beat one another.

So, as we are moving along the course, I get two hole in ones.
Obviously, I brag and gloat because, hello?! 
That's awesome!

He does not find this amusing OR exciting.
Instead he starts to say that I am cheating.
Can you say poor sport?

But ummmmm, no!
I don't need to cheat in mini-golf!
Natural skills here.
Obviously.

Due to my "cheating," he decides that he deserves some extra swings 
which he did not count on his score.
I don't think so.
So I called him out on it and I changed his score to its rightful number.

He then decides that I cheated on the score so-
he tore up the score card!

What do I do?
I pick up his ball and throw it in the water!

And what does he do?
He throws his golf club on the ground and walked away...

We are obviously very mature 22 years old's here.
 But, being the bigger person, I picked up his club and ran after him.
Not apologizing of course because, after all, he was the real cheater in this situation.

So I called him ridiculous and we awkwardly joined his other friends 
 without our clubs, our balls or a true winner to announce.

The moral of this story is: cheaters never prosper. 
 Whether it be cheating in a game of mini-golf or cheating in a relationship,
it will always come back to bite you in the ass.

As for this cheater, he has a new woman now...
But for the rest of his life 
he will know that a girl beat him in mini-golf (which I know he hates)-
and that is all the satisfaction I need.

Friday, November 16, 2012

The One Who Thought I Was Sick

I never hit the bars anymore.
Ever since I got into the "real world,"
hitting the town is sadly not on my radar.

From those good old college days of going out every Thursday at 11PM
to going to bed at 11PM on a Thursday for work the next day...
Oh how life changes so quickly.

 BUT, my friend and I made the trek out to some bars last Friday night
 and man, did we make up for lost time!

With my friend being the sober driver, 
I was able to enjoy myself more than I should have.
A few drinks down and it was time to DANCE!
Now, as some of you know (or should be warned)
I am not a dancer, nor am I a good impersonator.
But that night? I was great!
Or so that is what I recall and choose to believe...

Dancing it up, two guys came up to us and asked us to dance.
Cute huh? 
After getting our grove on for a while, it was getting late and time for us to peace out.

As I was about to leave, the guy asks for my number.
At this point in my life/dating life, I figure couldn't hurt to try all my options-
So I start to give him my area code and he freaks out.

"Wait, where are you from?!"
With a 'this can't be good' look on my face, I told him.

"No way! I'm from that area!"

Of course!
The one time I go out to escape people I know, 
this guy comes along.
Turns out he knows people I went to elementary school, 
high school and college with.
This town is too small...

After this great discovery and a full number given out, it was time to head home.
While on the long drive back, I get a text message from an unknown number...

"Sup it's the guy from the bars!"

The first thing I think of to stay-
"You know too many people I know!"
Yeah, it is totally going to work out with us.

"Oh shush, I don't even talk to them anymore. Shouldn't you be at my place?"
Charming isn't he?

"I am already home!"
In my defense, I practically was...

"I mean, you can always come another night but I got a busy schedule."
And I got no words for that except-

"WTF"

"WTF what? I'm sorry I think you're sick."
Interesting choice of words there, I thought.

"I hope that means something good..."

"I apologize, I thought we would have a good conversation. 
I mean, I can be an ass hole if you want."
Yes, because that is what every girl is hoping to hear from a guy. 
THAT will get me to your place.

"Preferably not."

"Well I'll hit you up and maybe we can kick it sometime."

Being too nice to say GTFO-
"For sure, just let me know when you're free."

"Psh never, hence why I said come to my place tonight."
But for real, what a charmer. 

At that point I had nothing else to say and the conversation died.
A week later and still no text.
I guess I am not as sick as he thought I was.
Damn, another good one bites the dust...

Tuesday, November 13, 2012

The One Who Lasted 7 Hours

7 hours later and all we have are 2 tattoos and a new porn star friend.
Yup, that was an experience.

Given the name of the blog, one would think I only write about dating.
Not true.

Relation-Shits can occur with anyone and everyone.
From a boyfriend/girlfriend to family members to friends 
and even the occasional tattoo artists can be Relation-Shits.

Well, you guessed it! 
It was a relation-shit type of evening for me and my friend Jem
when we went to get some ink.

Jem and I had the great idea to get some tattoos one evening.
Seems easy right?

WRONG!

We were recommended to a tattoo place by a friend of ours
who we thought we could trust...
We should have known better.
We show up in the West End Neighborhood 
(How did we know this? Oh, because there was a big ass sign informing us!)

Now, nothing against the West End Neighborhood...
BUT for two young, freakishly good looking girls...it was a little sketch. 
Just sayin'.

Walking up to the house turned tattoo parlor, 
we were unknowingly about to embark on a very long adventure...

We were greeted by two men and a male porn star.
Of course their way of making us comfortable was to give us a 
Maxim magazine to flip through while we waited for the tattoo artist to get ready.
That's not weird right?

That is when we made small talk with the porn star, who fun fact, 
is only in scenes and has yet to break out into the full length films.
Makes sense why we did not recognize him...

Another fun fact, our tattoo artist is his fluffer!
If you do not know what that is, I suggest urbandictinary.com for that answer.
Enjoy.

So now that we knew intimate details about these mens lives, 
it was time for them to get to know us and our tattoo ideas.
Or so we thought.

Instead, the tattoo artist proceeded to go through the entire history of the shop, 
show us his large prison collection 
(basically all the gifts he has from people he knows in prison), 
took us on a trip down memory lane with some old photos he found, 
told us his entire life story, including his issues with his father  
AND 
attempted to dance/date us.

After all of those shenanigans, it was time for some tattoos!
Jem was up first.
It was her first tattoo and she was getting it in one of the most painful places-
Right about her who-ha. 

Laying on a table in front of an open window to the street with her skirt down, 
it was about to be an experience she would never forget...
or really even want to remember.

Of course throughout her tattooing experience, 
the porn star was sent to get food for all of us. 
Jem asked for an Arnold Palmer and I did not ask for anything.

He returns with the Arnold Palmer and grape Mike & Ikes for me. 

 
 Sweet and all since they are HIS favorites, but they were grape...
Who buys grape anything?!
Needless to say, he ate them for me.

After 30 minutes of pure pain 
in which some questionable noises were being made by Jem, 
it was my turn.

At this point it was just after 2AM and I was ready for bed.
But no, he would not let me leave until I got my tattoo.

While I laid there practically falling asleep because 
it was almost 3AM by the time he finally got his shiz together,
Jem and him were cracking jokes and laughing all about life. 
I was dying. 
BUT
10 cigarette breaks, 4 candy bars, and 7 hours later, we were done!

Throughout that entire process, I thought I was on a hidden camera show.
I was waiting for a crew to come out and say 
"You were on Boiling Points and since you lasted 7 hours, you get X amount of money!"
But no.

Instead I paid a guy money to make me listen to his life story for 7 hours. 
Oh yeah, and to get a tattoo.

At least he gave us a discount...for the next tattoo we get done by him.
Yeah, don't think that's going to happen.

So the moral of this story is...

If it takes a tattoo artist more than an hour to get his shiz together, 
you might want to go somewhere else. 
Because you might end up there for 7 hours with a porn star 
talking about his booming career.
But then again, you get to meet a porn star who has free DVD's of his work!

Monday, November 12, 2012

The One Who Was Mormon

Yes, I dated a guy who is Mormon.

Now, you may wonder-
 "What was it like to date someone who was Mormon when you're not?"

Well, let me tell you- it really wasn't a huge issue.
Considering he was one of the least Mormonie individuals I have met.

Let's just say he was not one to follow many rules.
Of course it did not make him a bad person!
Just maybe not the best boyfriend...

Big question on everyone's mind- How did you meet?!
Well- it all started when I surprised my best friend and visited her on her birthday.
She had already made plans with the Mormon that day, so we all hung out.

From the very moment we met, we bonded.
Over Eminem.
The rapper.
Yes, he is in fact my homeboy.

So the white girl with glasses and the tall ass Mormon 
had rap battles to Eminem's music. 
I won every time.
Obviously.

Well, the rap battles lead to dates,
which lead to our first kiss, which lead to a relationship.

From then on it was none stop fascination with each other.
Talking on the phone each night for 4+ hours.
Textin' all day evry day.

I even went on Mormon outings with his church, 
participated in a Mormon date 
(which consisted of hanging with 2 other couples who were on their first dates)
 and sat down with two missionaries as they gave me their spiel.
I was in it to win it people!

It was pure bliss for me and I truly thought he was someone I would spend 
a good long while with.
Fast forward 6 months and woah, I was wrong!
Epic fail.

Ladies, and even gentlemen, learn from me.
Believe what I say, ignore what I do!
That is the whole purpose of this blog.
That and having a good laugh at my expense. 

But Beware- If a guy (or girl)...
  • doesn't talk about you to their family or friends when you are dating them for more than 3 months
  • makes a big deal about putting pictures up of you guys on the book OR
  • refuses to drive an hour to see you when your car breaks down and you have no way to get to them
THEN they might not be in it to win it...

If only I could take my own advice and rewind this situation. 
I would be wiser with more money and less heartache.

But what is done is done.
During those 6 months, we dated, loved one another, 
reached a level I have never experienced before and 
I believe taught each other an extreme amount about 
who we are and what we want in life. 

He was the first guy to truly break my heart and 
show me what it means to truly love someone.

Sadly, all I was left with was a Book of Mormon, a moose and a flannel shirt.
All of which I mailed back to him...
I know, very Taylor Swift of me.

Now, this may have been one of the most difficult blogs I have written and 
re-written over and over again.
It will also be one of the hardest to know others have read.
But being such an influence in my love life, I figure it needed to be shared.

I mean come on, we names our imaginary dog...a little hard to let go of that!
But hey, I am putting it all out there for those to read, react, and judge.

I obviously do not have life's answers to relationships or 
know how to deal with relation-shits, 
but I can only hope blogging will help me find answers and a better understanding. 



"love is so short, forgetting is so long." - Neruda

Wednesday, October 31, 2012

The One Who Was A Toddler

If you dress up as a toddler for Halloween and a guy at a bar hits on you...
you might want to find another guy.


Happy Halloween!

Friday, October 26, 2012

The One Who Asked For My Hand

Mini-Shit

Boy- "Will you marry me?"

Me- "If I am 30 and single, sure"

"Damn it. I'm trying to come up with a good reason not to hang out with this 
kinda weird girl!"

Is it weird that he is not the first person to do this?
Always being used as the fake fiance to get away from the weirdos...

Tuesday, October 23, 2012

The One Who Messaged Me

Facebook.
The torture chamber of past relationships and hookups.

You try to stay friends and act "cool" 
but you can't stop yourself from seeing those 
updates, posts, and pictures of the old flames of your past.

Yes, you could block them...
but what if something hilarious happens to them?
Then you miss out on justifying that you are ultimately better off without them!

Except when it comes to the Facebook world.
You need them there.

So don't pretend like you keep to yourself while passing time on the book.
You know you look up old friends, family and flames to see what everyone is up to. 
Unfortunately, you may find things you don't want to see...

Like your old flame in a new relationship. 
That damn heart on your feed, in your face, all day for you to stare at.
Why Facebook, why?

While Facebook has many annoying and depressing aspects, 
there is one perk to it all- messages.

Now, this may be a down side for some of you 
depending on which messages you are looking through. 
But for me, it served as a pleasant reminder of the amazing friends I have in my life. 

I was on the ever so popular social networking site and feeling shitty 
about some Reltaion-Shits popping up in my life. 
Because, of course, I stay friends with them all...

I was looking through old messages for fun and 
found one from a good friend that was dated back to 2010.
So long ago, I know. 

This boy, who is not a Relation-Shit, nor do I for see him as being one 

(thought I have been wrong before)
reached out to me when he saw another boy break my heart.
And this is how it went...


"So, forgive me if this is weird or random, 
but I heard about your situation with (insert boys name here). 
I know we've never been super close or anything, 
but i want you to know that I think of you as a good friend 
and if you need to talk or anything, I'm here for you. 
And not to brag, but I just so happen to be an excellent listener."

Yes, this blog is suppose to be about Relation-Shits, but 
sometimes Relation-Shits can lead to wonderful Relation-Ships!

Because of a silly boy at the time, 
my friendship with the boy who messaged me has grown 
and time after time he has proven to be one of the most caring friends around.

So thank you heart-breaker. 
Because of you I now have an amazing friendship, a great listener, 
and a funny individual by my side!

Monday, October 8, 2012

The One Who Asked "Can I Get Yo Numba?"

Asking for a guy or girls number takes a lot of courage. 
Giving away your number to a stranger take a lot of trust.
If you do not have either of these, then your contact list may be minimal...

Personally, I have not asked someone for their number 
(Call me out if I am wrong though. If I asked for it, I am sure I contacted you. 
So, you would have my number. Obvi.)

But, I have experienced people asking for my number.
If you recall, that is how I got into trouble with "The One Who Was A Planner."
(Yes, there was a blog about that)

Giving out your number can be dangerous, but mostly entertaining for all involved. 
Unless they go all stalker on you, then time to change yo number.

While there have been a few a gentlemen asking for my number, 
I have yet to experience anything like this...
 


All I can say is- I WISH!
Obviously a very effective way to get a number.
I'd give mine out!

But when my roommate was approached regarding the release of her digits, 
it did not go the way most would hope. 
It was a unique strategy.
Who knew social media would be used to get a number 
from someone you just hung out with.

This is what my roommate came home to on Facebook
after a night of hanging with some peeps
Guy we just saw: "So I was a fool and did not get your number. Mine is..."

Roommate: "No need for numbers. I'm sure I'll see you around."

"Oh dear..."

I give the man credit for reaching out and trying to get her number.
Takes some balls to do that, so hats off to you!
But, I also give my friend credit for not leading him on.
Yes, it may have been a harsh response but wouldn't it be worse if she 
gave her number and ignored all of his messages? 

I do wish it had worked for the guy...
BUT Guys/Girls- 
Don't give up!
Not all girls or guys are going to be this blunt!

Keep on putting yourself out there and asking 
"Can I get yo numba?" 
Someone is bound to say yes!