The One Hiding Under the Bed

There comes a point in every mans life 

when his mother stumbles upon one of his dirty secrets.

Or so, this is what the guys have told me.

Anyways, it finally came to that point in my good friends life 

and it was too funny not to share...

It all started with a text message from his mother-

"So I gave away your big ass bed today and under it there was a little bottle 

of what I assumed was hand sanitizer."

I'm sure you can only imagine what is coming...

"So I cleaned my hands with it."

I'm cringing too, don't worry.

"Uh oh!"

Yeah...

"Not what I thought. Water based lubricant."

I'm still dying reading this now...

"Thanks for that."

Surprisingly, my friend was not phased 

by his mothers discovery and laughed it off.

I guess being so far away, there was not much he could do...

Word to the wise-

Check/clean under your bed before you go off to school. 

You never know when someone will be moving things around! 

Or moving you out! 

Otherwise, they might find your lube stash...

The One I Call My Main Man

By the title you might be thinking I finally found someone.

Wrong.

No, this is not someone I dated/am dating. 

No, this is not someone I hooked up with.

And no, this is not someone who has been a relation-shit before. 

This is my main man, my grandpa, my old fart, my cranky old man, my gramps and 

most importantly, my Papa.

He has never broken my heart, 

never left me on the side of a curb, 

never kidnapped me while we were out 

and never broke up with me over text. 

He truly loved me for who I was, 

awkward, sarcastic and all, which is something that can be hard to find.

While this is all very heartfelt and beautiful, 

there was a side to him that, at times, was amusing...to some.

These are moments we can look back on and smile about.
Humor that showed up at unsuspecting times and continued until the end.

Moments and memories I just had to share for a good laugh...

The Year: 1978

The Location: My dads parents house

The People: My dad, my mom, and my dads parents

The four of them were sitting at the dinner table and 

my mom did not shovel too much food onto her plate. 

It was her first time having dinner there so she did not want to over indulge. 

My grandpa seeing this, turns to her and says-

"You don't eat much for a fat girl."

Mortified, she said nothing and has yet 

to let him forget what he said that fateful night.

Only recently did he apologized for his harsh words.

While he may have been in his old fart stage, 

he had some good humor, even when he was sick & stuck sitting at home all day- 

Me: "Hey Grandpa, want me to go out and get you some donuts?!"

"No! I think that's what is killing me!"

"Remind me never to eat donuts again..."

This one got a good laugh out of myself and my Grandma-

Me: "So, any hot nurses coming by to take care of you?"

"Only one."

"She hotter than Grandma?"

"Yeah."

(They are a pretty good lookin' couple...)

So, because I am the favorite grandchild, I printed a picture of me and my grandpa, 

framed it and put it next to his bed. 

Jealous of my favoritism, my cousin Leo did the same and 

this is what my Grandpa had to say-

"Make sure to take that down when he leaves."

When people think it is the end of your days, they tend to flock to you. 

This happened to the old fart but he knew what was up-

Me: "Isn't it fun having all of these people come and visit you?! 

You must feel so popular!"

"They are only visiting me because they think I'm dying."

"You know what Grandpa, you're right. Otherwise no one would be here."

Don't worry, he laughed at that one!

Always up on his humor, I think I may have learned from the best!

To my Papa: 

Thank you for never giving me a real relation-shit to blog about

but instead showing me that love can be found in this crazy world.

Which in your case was twice...

To both of my Grandmas...

Love you ya old fart!

The One Who WAS Single

Not too long ago I wrote a blog about my brother joining the single world. 

Finally, I had another person to join me during family events 

in which every person in my family has a significant other 

(Minus my Grammie who would rather surround herself with family than a man)

A few weekends ago, my family traveled to the wonderfully 

secluded location of Bishop, CA. 

My Uncle, who has no Facebook and is never up on the latest gossip, 

was not aware of my brothers recent breakup-

Uncle: "Boy, where is the girlfriend?"

Brother: "Oh, we broke up last week."

"I'm sorry to hear that."

"It's OK, I have a new one."

And all anyone could hear was laughing coming from the cabin. 

My Uncle, cracking up and patting my brother on the back. 

Guys...

So, congrats to my brother for reeling in another lucky lady. 

And lucky for me, this one actually talks to me!

It's the simple things in life really...

But now it is back to just me and my Grammie, 

representing the singles corner for the family.

 And damn do we represent it well!

The One Who Used the Same Line

I have a confession, I am a tool.

Far too often I have been presented with the line, 

"You're an awesome girl, but..."

Yes, there is a blog about that.
Good times. 

I am sad to say that I recently used this line on someone...
and I finally understand how the tool who said it to me felt.

I am not proud of what I have done nor excited to share my downfall
but, considering I called someone out on this,
It is now my turn to be called out.

While at home one weekend, a good friend of mine told me 

he might be developing feelings. 

I love this guy and he is one of the sweetest guys I know, 

but I see him as just an amazing friend. 

This conversation was over text and of course my response was

"You are a great guy, but I only see you as a friend right now"

And his response?

"A appreciate your honesty."

Seriously, I felt like I have had this exact conversation...

So, to the tool who was honest, I now understand your difficult position.

I am officially now the tool.

 But honestly, what are you suppose to say in those situations?!
Anyone?

The One At The Bank

One of the perks of writing a blog about relationships/shits, is that people like to share their experiences with me. 

Just the other day I received a text message from a close friend who, 

like me, does not have much luck with the fellas ;)

"Today my banker asked me out. 

He checked my account balance and still wanted some. Me, FTW."

"I'm blogging about this shit. When is the date?!"

"We are going out tomorrow!"

"Let me know how it goes. Where is he taking you?"

"Not sure, he is picking me up and said it would be a surprise, is that sketch or cute?"

"You're either going to his place and he didn't want to scare you off before he had a chance or he has no idea where yet or it's a really sketch place..."

"Here's hoping it's number 1 or 2..."

"I wish you luck and if I do not hear from you, I'm going to guess it was either a huge success and you're naked in his bed or you're dead in his bed. Either scenario, 

I expect you to be in his bed."

Will it be a successful date?

Will she find her prince charming?

Will be end up being super sketch?

TO BE CONTINUED...